Toni Stone July 24, 2008
401 Buck Hollow Rd
Fairfax, VT 05454
to have full play of the total capacity of feeling,
one must be brave.
to be honest, genuine, and authentic, one has to be willing
to exercise the opposite of their believed virtues. . .
the ones they think or imagine they possess.
by that, i mean to go on a little more, with what i hope will be,
a helpful distinction. a virtue that cannot tolerate or allow
its’ opposite, is no virtue at all. it is, i accuse, an obsession.
enchantment that never reveals resentment is an addiction.
joy that never feels aggravation is a lie.
tenderness that never unconceals fury is a fallacy.
i know people who can never allow anger, yelling, or demanding.
they cannot show a fury over anything.
they don’t let it show. they deny it exists.
they can’t bear that the person they are so angry with,
may have some anger with them as well.
so partners live in lies, wondering where the passion went. . .
how it turns to revulsion and boredom.
one of my teachers told me in Montreal, that if i couldn’t bear some virtues opposite and grant it space,
then i didn’t have that virtue, i had an obsession with it, an addiction to it,
i was run by it. . .it had me, but i didn’t have it.
at the time, i had the habit of taking care of every body.
if the class i was participating in, went out to lunch at a Chinese restaurant,
i had to pour everyone’s tea. i couldn’t just pour my own cup and offer the pot to the next guy.
i had to pour the next guy, then get up and pour the whole table before i could drink my own tea.
i thought i was really generous until she helped me to notice a pattern that obstructed me,
an obsession called, “i had to take care of everyone.” at first,
i didn’t feel helped by her. i felt angry at her for pointing out what i didn’t like seeing.
that’s how i knew i was being helped.
when some teacher is telling me what i don’t like hearing. .
i know it’s valuable.
i started to look into, if what she was saying was really true.
i couldn’t allow just taking care for myself.
it wasn’t easily allowed really ever.
i am still working with this idea about my perceived virtues, smoking out which ones are true
and which ones are bullshit obsessions. that’s why i can see quite clearly that if your tenderness,
never has fury instead of just fuzzy, you are fooling yourself about your living. . .
so why not blow the roof off something today
and tell the whole truth for once?