toni stone
wonder works studio
401 buck hollow road
fairfax, vermont 05454
July 22, 1997
JOHN AT THE WATERPARK
“i respect faith but doubt is what gets you an education.”
-Wilson Mizner
John brought up the subject, “What do i get out of making myself wrong?” he had
seen a pattern of doubt, an obsession with “rethinking things” to come up with
something better than what had been promised already.
that day at the park it gave him no rest. he reported being tangled up inside his
head reviewing whether or not to go to the meeting. “should i go? i shouldn’t have
said i would go.” back and forth he thought. all around him his wife and nephews
were frolicking in the sun, splashing, dashing and discovering the joys at a waterpark.
he was reconsidering if he should keep his word or not, after all it was the perfect
day with crispy leaves, little breezes and not too humid either. “what a drag to
leave at noon just to get to a meeting.” he thought continuing to torment himself.
“it isn’t fair to have to leave all this fun when i don’t feel like it now.” his nephew
approached him licking an ice cream bar. the little boy eyes looked up with
pleading, “i want to stay all day.” John patted his head and went back to worried
thought. “i’ll just call and say i am trapped here. it is too difficult to leave.” his
wife was running and hopping with the boys. summer vacation had not been this
good for awhile. it was clearly a superior vacation day at an excellent water park.
crossing the lake back to Vermont to teach a class seemed ludicrous in light of the
present circumstance, warm weather.
John continued for still more awhile to berate his promise to teach a class on a
Tuesday summer evening when he frankly didn’t feel like it. back again he went in
us mind to review it. “i don’t always have to show up. other people are capable to
fill in for me. i don’t have to be there.”
he knew his wife would be pleased to extend, the afternoon too. it could be a
glorious afternoon at the waterpark if only they didn’t have to pile into the car and
head back. John realized it was well near departure time. he had not ever been
present in the waterpark. instead he had been in quagmire of doubt trying to
arrange more time. now it was time to leave.
he told us, “i actually wasn’t even there when i was there, because i was trying to
invent ways to get out of being here.” we laughed with him thinking of the places
doubt took us away from what we were doing too. it was funny to look at it from
afar or after the fact but indeed it was a kind of hell when you were actually in it
going back and forth, “i’ll do what i said. no i won’t. yes i will. why should I? it isn’t fair.”
Mark said he was impeded from being an excellent photographer when he did that
on photo shoots. “if i am thinking about what people are thinking of me,
the pictures look like garbage.” he said. someone else said, “doubt keeps us
from being present. it kills the joy of life”.
John confessed the minute he returned himself to doing what he said he would do,
confusion cleared up. parameters of time at the waterpark were established.
they rushed to get in whatever they could, in the last available moments.
they had good fun fast.
Sufis say, we do not walk on our legs, but on our will.
